1
00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:03,569
[MAN CHANTING IN ARABIC
OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
2
00:00:03,728 --> 00:00:06,777
LANA:
No!
3
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:11,286
Ugh. No wonder Morocco Mole was so inept.
He never got any damn sleep.
4
00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:12,991
[ARCHER FARTS THEN GRUNTS]
5
00:00:13,154 --> 00:00:15,623
Unlike some people.
Uh, what's that?
6
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:18,126
Uh, good morning.
Don't "g'morning" me.
7
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:21,663
What's your problem?
Besides that fricking air raid siren?
8
00:00:21,829 --> 00:00:26,005
It's the muezzin chanting the adhan, Lana.
God, be open to other cultures.
9
00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:29,592
I am. What I'm not open to
is not sleeping on the ?oor...
10
00:00:29,754 --> 00:00:33,349
...listening to your drunk ass
fart and snore all night in the only bed...
11
00:00:33,508 --> 00:00:35,681
...which I'm sure is why
you wanted this room.
12
00:00:35,843 --> 00:00:38,221
If I may rebut, point by point?
No, you may--
13
00:00:38,388 --> 00:00:42,234
A, pretty sure I offered to share the bed.
B, I wasn't that drunk.
14
00:00:42,392 --> 00:00:44,861
Really?
Lana, this is me we're talking about.
15
00:00:45,019 --> 00:00:48,569
Okay, yeah, maybe I smoked
just a teeny bit too much hashish...
16
00:00:48,731 --> 00:00:51,029
...but that's only
because I didn't wanna be rude.
17
00:00:51,192 --> 00:00:54,537
To who, the creepy old Moroccan dude?
Or those Dutch high school girls?
18
00:00:54,696 --> 00:00:57,870
Both. The latter of whom
were college juniors.
19
00:00:58,032 --> 00:01:02,458
And C, Lana, we had to take this room.
Beat history was made here.
20
00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:05,874
Says who, the manager?
Why would he lie?
21
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,509
You are American, yes?
Uh, yes.
22
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,672
Then you know Allen Ginsberg,
author of the poem "Howl."
23
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:15,468
I saw the best minds of my generation
Destroyed by madness
24
00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:18,728
Starving hysterical naked
25
00:01:18,886 --> 00:01:21,435
Yes.
So for extra 1000 American...
26
00:01:21,597 --> 00:01:24,066
...you can have room where he wrote.
Yes!
27
00:01:24,225 --> 00:01:26,148
Archer? Morocco.
Yeah, hang on.
28
00:01:26,311 --> 00:01:29,406
Is this really the room
where Allen Ginsberg wrote �Howl"?
29
00:01:30,523 --> 00:01:31,695
Why not?
30
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:33,735
Yeah, why not'?
31
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:36,700
And just so we're clear,
you're mad at all that stuff...
32
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:39,286
...and not being weird
because we had sex last night.
33
00:01:39,449 --> 00:01:41,247
Are you--? We didn't have sex.
34
00:01:41,409 --> 00:01:43,582
Good, because I lied. I was drunk.
35
00:01:43,745 --> 00:01:46,419
You want some? Makes you feel better.
36
00:01:46,581 --> 00:01:50,176
What will make me feel better is
to get out of shit-reeking Tangier...
37
00:01:50,335 --> 00:01:53,885
...which we can only do after we extract
Agent, what's his name, Kazak?
38
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,345
Why the hell hasn't he activated
his GPS beacon?
39
00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:59,511
And while we're on the subject,
where the hell is our GPS?
40
00:01:59,677 --> 00:02:03,352
Oh. Uh, promise you won't get mad?
Uh, no.
41
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:04,731
[GPS BEEPING]
42
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:07,064
No.
I know, right? It's loud as balls.
43
00:02:07,226 --> 00:02:10,571
When did it start going off?
I don't know, like, before the muezzin...
44
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,949
...but after the Dutch co-eds left.
45
00:02:13,107 --> 00:02:15,951
You brought them up to the room?
Aha! Busted.
46
00:02:16,110 --> 00:02:18,579
You did get some sleep.
47
00:02:55,024 --> 00:02:58,949
ARCHER: How can you not love this place?
The sights, the sounds, the smells.
48
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:02,662
No, Archer, just one smell, singular,
which would knock a possum over.
49
00:03:02,824 --> 00:03:04,371
Didelphis virginiana.
50
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,628
My second-favorite animal
with a prehensile--
51
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:09,335
LANA: Tail.
Thanks, Brett Somers. Yes, a tail.
52
00:03:09,497 --> 00:03:11,215
You have one.
Yeah, I wish.
53
00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:13,672
I'd be my first-favorite
prehensile-tailed animal.
54
00:03:13,835 --> 00:03:15,428
Archer?
Nightcrawler.
55
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:18,180
A.k.a., Kurt Wagner, Lana.
Archer.
56
00:03:18,339 --> 00:03:20,933
Although he can teleport,
so the prehensile tail is--
57
00:03:21,092 --> 00:03:22,685
Goddamn it, we're being followed.
58
00:03:22,844 --> 00:03:25,688
What? When were you planning to tell me?
LANA: I was.
59
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,189
Look, look. Look out!
60
00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:30,693
[MAN SHOUTING IN ARABIC]
61
00:03:30,852 --> 00:03:34,231
Oh, yeah? Well... Damn,
I had something in Arabic for this.
62
00:03:34,397 --> 00:03:36,320
Wow. That accidentally worked.
63
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,326
Uh, accidentally?
Just drive. There, take that left.
64
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:42,284
Hang on, I'm swinging back around.
No, you're not. Why?
65
00:03:42,447 --> 00:03:45,166
Because. Look in here and tell me
the Arabic phrase for:
66
00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:47,702
"Your mother is a whore
and a goatherd is her pimp."
67
00:03:47,869 --> 00:03:49,371
Oh, right. Absolutely.
68
00:03:49,871 --> 00:03:52,169
Oh, for-- Nice. Real mature, Lana.
69
00:03:52,331 --> 00:03:54,492
Look, obviously Moroccan
intelligence isn't
70
00:03:54,505 --> 00:03:56,677
as stoked about Kazak
coming over to ISIS...
71
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:59,715
was your mother is,
so can you please quit clicking around?
72
00:03:59,881 --> 00:04:01,053
Who's clicking around? Me...
73
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:03,889
...who's driving this clown car
like Parnelli fricking Jones?
74
00:04:04,051 --> 00:04:05,849
Or you, Lana Litterbug?
75
00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:09,107
Archer, I am seriously not in the mood
for your bullshit right n--
76
00:04:09,265 --> 00:04:11,188
Ow!
77
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:13,227
Ahem.
Oh, uh...
78
00:04:13,394 --> 00:04:15,396
Hold on, I'm stopping.
Why?
79
00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:17,361
Because according to this, we're here.
80
00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:19,196
[GPS BEEPING]
81
00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,905
Are you coming?
82
00:04:21,068 --> 00:04:23,867
No, but I'm breathing fast.
83
00:04:24,489 --> 00:04:29,746
Get it? Lana, did you get it? Lana?
84
00:04:29,911 --> 00:04:32,755
ARCHER: You trying not to laugh
because you're cranky for some reason'?
85
00:04:32,914 --> 00:04:35,588
I'm cranky because I didn't sleep.
Inaccurate.
86
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:38,924
And now I can't sleep because
I'm pretty sure I have a concussion.
87
00:04:39,086 --> 00:04:41,760
Wait, seriously?
Yes, Archer. My head totally kills.
88
00:04:41,923 --> 00:04:43,846
Well, that's not good.
Wait, seriously?
89
00:04:44,008 --> 00:04:47,262
Because Tangier's totally awesome.
Wildly inaccurate.
90
00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:50,602
But it's probably not the best place
to receive medical treatment.
91
00:04:50,765 --> 00:04:54,269
So, what say we grab this Kazak guy
and get out of this flyblown shithole?
92
00:04:54,435 --> 00:04:58,030
Okay, but you're missing out on all the
great things Tangier has to offer.
93
00:04:58,189 --> 00:04:59,406
Name one.
Che--
94
00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:02,284
Besides cheap hash
and a repulsively low age of consent.
95
00:05:02,443 --> 00:05:04,787
Uh, rugs?
Okay.
96
00:05:04,946 --> 00:05:08,746
Shooting me's not gonna change the
unbeatableness of their rug prices, Lana.
97
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,627
It might change my mood.
To remorseful?
98
00:05:11,786 --> 00:05:15,086
I drew because we don't know
what's waiting for us behind this--
99
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,465
Door. You know...
100
00:05:16,624 --> 00:05:18,046
[DOG GROWLING
AND LANA GASPS]
101
00:05:18,209 --> 00:05:19,961
Lana!
Archer?
102
00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:24,758
Uh, hey, how you doing, buddy?
I'll be better when you shoot him.
103
00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:28,098
I was talking to him, stupid.
Great, then I'll--
104
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,683
[BARKING]
105
00:05:29,845 --> 00:05:31,563
ARCHER:
I don't think he likes guns.
106
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:33,269
[BARKS THEN WHINES]
107
00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:37,153
Okay, all right, that's...
All right, come on. Hey, uh, stop it.
108
00:05:37,311 --> 00:05:39,279
Would you get the damn dog off my tits'?
109
00:05:39,438 --> 00:05:43,363
Here, boy. Come on, buddy.
Uh, heel?
110
00:05:43,526 --> 00:05:46,405
I don't think he speaks English.
What's "get off" in Arabic?
111
00:05:46,571 --> 00:05:49,791
She asked, regretfully, remembering
that just moments earlier...
112
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:52,293
...she'd thrown away his $11 phrasebook.
113
00:05:52,451 --> 00:05:54,545
Oh, for the... Get off.
Ooh! Ha, ha!
114
00:05:54,704 --> 00:05:57,548
Okay, okay. Who's a good boy, huh?
Who's a good boy?
115
00:05:57,707 --> 00:06:01,052
Ugh. I thought you hated dogs.
I love dogs, Lana.
116
00:06:01,210 --> 00:06:03,008
Except Mother's dog. I hated that dog.
117
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:06,174
Because she loved it more than you?
Ha, ha. Very funny.
118
00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:08,843
Although, she never forgot
the dog's birthday.
119
00:06:15,016 --> 00:06:16,859
Can we please just do this?
120
00:06:17,018 --> 00:06:18,190
[DOG BARKING THEN LANA GRUNTS]
121
00:06:18,352 --> 00:06:20,980
Lana, put it away.
All right, everything is okay. See?
122
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,651
See? He really doesn't like guns, Lana.
He can't stress that enough.
123
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:27,661
What are we supposed to do if
Kazak doesn't wanna come with us?
124
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:30,573
Feed him to Cujo here.
He can poop him out when we get home.
125
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:33,289
Hey, who's a poopy boy, huh?
Who's a poopy boy?
126
00:06:33,451 --> 00:06:35,749
Shit-breath, slobbering-ass mutt.
127
00:06:35,911 --> 00:06:37,709
Don't listen to her, she's--
128
00:06:37,872 --> 00:06:39,419
Oh, my God. Wow.
129
00:06:39,582 --> 00:06:41,550
You could use a Tic Tac.
130
00:06:41,709 --> 00:06:44,462
Kazak? Hello?
131
00:06:44,629 --> 00:06:46,723
Kazak. Kazak.
132
00:06:46,881 --> 00:06:49,634
Ah, get away from me. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
133
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,928
Lana, you can't beckon him
and then rebuff him.
134
00:06:52,094 --> 00:06:54,688
Beckon and rebuff whom?
Kazak.
135
00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:56,645
No, he's not.
136
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,275
He cannot be Kazak.
137
00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:01,153
Uh, he can, according to his name tag.
138
00:07:01,312 --> 00:07:03,735
Oh! Son of a bitch.
139
00:07:03,898 --> 00:07:05,366
[BARKING]
140
00:07:05,524 --> 00:07:08,528
Well, technically, she's right, huh?
Is she right?
141
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:12,244
Who's a son of a bitch?
Are you a son of a bitch?
142
00:07:12,406 --> 00:07:16,127
Lana, look. He thinks he's people.
143
00:07:19,497 --> 00:07:23,752
LANA:
Nope. No, no, no, nope.
144
00:07:23,918 --> 00:07:28,389
I did not sign on to be a dog sitter for...
Whose freaking dog is this?
145
00:07:28,547 --> 00:07:32,893
Well, who gives a shit, Lana? He's, like,
the Pel? of, let me finish, fetch.
146
00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:34,099
[KAZAK BARKS]
147
00:07:34,261 --> 00:07:38,266
Well, I will if you bring it here, Kazak.
I can't throw it if it's in your mouth.
148
00:07:38,432 --> 00:07:41,606
Why didn't you become a vet?
Honestly? Didn't have the grades.
149
00:07:41,769 --> 00:07:43,942
Heh. No shit.
Why would I lie about that?
150
00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:46,199
And who are you calling?
Who do you think?
151
00:07:46,357 --> 00:07:48,325
Ask her if we can keep him.
152
00:07:48,484 --> 00:07:49,952
[SIGHS]
153
00:07:50,111 --> 00:07:51,158
[CHERYL SIGHS]
154
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,039
CHERYL: Miss Archer, Lana for you, Line 1.
I'm not here.
155
00:07:54,198 --> 00:07:55,370
[GASPS]
156
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:57,706
Then how...?
157
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,120
Oh, for the love--
158
00:07:59,286 --> 00:08:02,130
Obviously, I am here.
Phew!
159
00:08:02,289 --> 00:08:04,212
I just don't wish to speak to her.
160
00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:08,551
But you are here.
Ah! If you walk over here and touch me...
161
00:08:08,713 --> 00:08:12,559
...you will spend your lunch hour
being fitted for a prosthetic hand.
162
00:08:12,717 --> 00:08:14,685
I only get 45 minutes.
163
00:08:14,844 --> 00:08:17,643
But I'll tell her you're not here.
164
00:08:17,805 --> 00:08:20,649
But you are, right? Aah!
Out.
165
00:08:20,808 --> 00:08:24,438
I assume Lana's mad
because Sterling's pushing her buttons.
166
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,731
What a surprise.
Speaking of...
167
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:29,867
You finally saved enough money
for a sex change.
168
00:08:30,025 --> 00:08:32,778
No. I'm actually broker than usual.
169
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:35,323
--Nine, 10. She's out.
170
00:08:35,489 --> 00:08:36,832
[BELL RINGS]
171
00:08:36,991 --> 00:08:40,165
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
172
00:08:40,327 --> 00:08:44,173
But I'm very comfortable in my own body,
thank you very much. And--
173
00:08:44,331 --> 00:08:46,629
Don't thank me, thank--
And before you say--
174
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,886
May I finish?
175
00:08:49,044 --> 00:08:50,216
Archer Daniels Midland.
176
00:08:50,379 --> 00:08:52,473
Now what do you want?
I'm extremely busy.
177
00:08:52,631 --> 00:08:54,008
To be a field agent.
178
00:08:54,175 --> 00:08:56,303
I'm sorry?
LANA: You should be.
179
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,722
How was I supposed to know
it was gonna make him do that?
180
00:08:58,888 --> 00:09:00,515
[KAZAK FARTING]
181
00:09:00,681 --> 00:09:02,479
Stuffing him full of street kebabs'?
182
00:09:02,641 --> 00:09:07,067
A, it was kofta, and--
Beelzebub's asshole. Kazak.
183
00:09:07,229 --> 00:09:11,200
Oh. Bad dog. Bad dog.
184
00:09:11,358 --> 00:09:13,952
Sorry, buddy, I didn't mean that. I--
I did.
185
00:09:14,111 --> 00:09:16,330
Your mother sends me
on this bullshit mission...
186
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,457
...but now she won't even take my call?
187
00:09:18,616 --> 00:09:21,369
New York's five hours behind.
Maybe she's not in the office.
188
00:09:21,535 --> 00:09:23,629
Oh, please, she's totally there.
189
00:09:23,788 --> 00:09:27,167
Wha--? Out.
Just checking. God.
190
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,007
Idiot. As I was saying...
191
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:33,221
I'm sorry. And I'm sure I...
[KAZAK FARTS]
192
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:34,723
Ugh. Oh, man.
193
00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:38,682
I also speak for Kazak,
who, by the way, is the real victim here.
194
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:40,562
How is he the victim?
195
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:43,645
Lana, his nose is like ajillion times
more sensitive than ours.
196
00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:45,025
[KAZAK FARTS
THEN ARCHER COUGHS]
197
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:46,481
It's gotta be killing him.
198
00:09:46,644 --> 00:09:50,239
Well, before I kill him, and you,
just get us to the port.
199
00:09:50,397 --> 00:09:52,741
Hopefully, this stupid boat to Spain
has aspirin.
200
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,699
What boat?
What "what boat"? The "boat" boat.
201
00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:59,161
Wow. You might actually be concussed
because that's not a real sentence.
202
00:09:59,323 --> 00:10:01,576
Archer?
And the boat's not a boat, Lana...
203
00:10:01,742 --> 00:10:04,336
...it's a freaking hovercraft! Woo-hoo!
204
00:10:04,495 --> 00:10:06,088
[KAZAK HOWLS AND ARCHER WHOOPS]
205
00:10:06,247 --> 00:10:07,419
Oh.
206
00:10:07,581 --> 00:10:10,960
But boat or not boat,
we won't be getting on it.
207
00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:13,254
LANA:
A roadblock?
208
00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:16,845
So guess we're driving through the desert
to a backup extraction point?
209
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,930
[KAZAK VOMITS]
210
00:10:19,093 --> 00:10:20,436
[LANA SOBS]
211
00:10:20,594 --> 00:10:24,599
Sorry. I know you had your heart set
on that hovercraft ride.
212
00:10:24,765 --> 00:10:28,645
But why on earth do you feel
you're qualified to be an ISIS field agent?
213
00:10:28,811 --> 00:10:30,939
Uh, besides Cyril's one?
Hey.
214
00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:33,654
Cyril, you want a fresh one?
I do not, no.
215
00:10:33,816 --> 00:10:37,946
Then shut your fist hole and show
Miss Archer how I did on the IFAAB.
216
00:10:38,112 --> 00:10:40,706
The ISIS Field Agent Aptitude Battery?
217
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,084
You took it? You aced it?
218
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:47,122
No. But this can't-- You cheated.
219
00:10:47,288 --> 00:10:51,543
How? Everyone watched me take it.
Under sterile conditions, by the way.
220
00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:54,295
Well... [CLOCK TICKING]
221
00:10:54,461 --> 00:10:56,054
[PAM FARTS]
222
00:10:56,213 --> 00:10:57,430
PAM:
What?
223
00:10:57,882 --> 00:10:59,884
Punk-ass bitches.
224
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:03,975
Sterile test conditions, anyway.
But I can promise she didn't cheat.
225
00:11:04,138 --> 00:11:06,391
Be that as it-- Hm.
226
00:11:06,557 --> 00:11:09,401
Hm. Hm!
227
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,028
This means nothing.
228
00:11:11,186 --> 00:11:14,315
My God, a perfect score
on the IFAAB merely indicates...
229
00:11:14,481 --> 00:11:17,985
...that a person is a candidate
for field agent status.
230
00:11:18,152 --> 00:11:21,873
It can't determine if they're suited
for actual field work.
231
00:11:22,031 --> 00:11:25,001
I mean, what if she had to subdue
an enemy agent?
232
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:28,413
Cue sad trombone. And go.
233
00:11:29,914 --> 00:11:31,632
[PAM GROWLING AND MEN SCREAMING]
234
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:32,916
[PUNCHING]
235
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,006
Pam, what the hell did you--? Whah!
236
00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:37,672
Unh! Help!
237
00:11:37,838 --> 00:11:39,840
[CYRIL YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
238
00:11:40,507 --> 00:11:42,180
My God.
239
00:11:42,343 --> 00:11:46,018
And it goes on like that
for another 38 soul-cleaving minutes.
240
00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:48,399
Of which you were there for two.
Three.
241
00:11:48,557 --> 00:11:51,436
I was scared. I ran away. Sue me.
242
00:11:51,602 --> 00:11:54,276
And then sue me for this. Smoke bomb.
243
00:11:54,438 --> 00:11:58,068
So you aced the test and beat up a Nazi,
a nerd and queen of the robots'?
244
00:11:58,233 --> 00:11:59,280
BOTH:
Hey.
245
00:11:59,443 --> 00:12:04,040
If the saddle oxford and/or ruby
slipper fits, mister and/or missy.
246
00:12:04,198 --> 00:12:07,498
What makes you think
I need another field agent?
247
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,537
I quit.
ARCHER: Lana, believe me...
248
00:12:09,703 --> 00:12:11,671
...nobody wanted a hovercraft
more than me.
249
00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:13,332
LANA:
Stop the car. I'm serious.
250
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:15,217
I'm serious. Calm the hell down.
251
00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:18,721
Here, hit this hash brown. That creepy
old dude put his lips on it but--
252
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:21,223
Archer, stop the goddamn car.
253
00:12:21,382 --> 00:12:23,055
Lana, put the gun down. He's gonna--
254
00:12:23,217 --> 00:12:24,844
[KAZAK WHIMPERING]
255
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,889
Stopping the car, buddies.
256
00:12:28,055 --> 00:12:29,352
Sorry about that, fur face.
257
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,734
Wouldn't have shot you
for a gazillion bucks.
258
00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:32,939
You, not so much.
259
00:12:33,102 --> 00:12:37,107
Lana, come on, we both know you're--
Quitting, Archer. Yes, exactly.
260
00:12:37,272 --> 00:12:40,242
Oh. I was gonna say, "not quitting."
261
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:42,074
Wildlier inaccurate.
262
00:12:42,236 --> 00:12:46,332
"Wildlier" isn't a real word, by the way.
At least not in English.
263
00:12:47,241 --> 00:12:49,118
I don't know.
She threw away my phrasebook.
264
00:12:49,284 --> 00:12:50,831
[KAZAK FARTS]
265
00:12:50,995 --> 00:12:52,963
Almost kind of wishing she'd shot you.
266
00:12:53,122 --> 00:12:55,045
No, no, no, I'm kidding.
267
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:57,255
Who's my stinky boy, huh? Who's my--'?
268
00:12:57,418 --> 00:12:58,886
[KAZAK FARTS]
269
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:04,221
Ugh. So, hey, I know we kid around a lot,
but I think you might have dog cancer.
270
00:13:06,885 --> 00:13:08,228
[KAZAK GROWLS]
271
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:11,732
ARCHER:
No, no. No way. I'm not going back for her.
272
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:16,111
You're new here, but Lana cries wolf
on quitting ISIS, like, twice a week.
273
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:19,069
She'll be fine. She's got-- Oh.
274
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:23,407
I was gonna say, GPS, gun, sat phone,
and canteen full of life-saving water.
275
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:24,741
[KAZAK WHINES]
276
00:13:24,903 --> 00:13:26,871
Well, she's the one
who stormed off into the desert...
277
00:13:27,031 --> 00:13:31,002
...with no GPS, no gun, no sat phone,
and no life-saving water.
278
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,254
And why the hell are you taking her side?
279
00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:37,124
She jammed a gun in
your-- [KAZAK VOMITS]
280
00:13:37,291 --> 00:13:39,419
Ugh. So were you whining
about Lana being an idiot'?
281
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:41,758
Or about you being carsick?
282
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,968
[KAZAK VOMITS]
283
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,559
How much freaking kofta did you eat?
284
00:13:47,718 --> 00:13:50,141
Well, whose fault is that?
285
00:13:50,304 --> 00:13:52,978
Okay, so maybe I egged you on to eat
five orders of it...
286
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:55,313
...and maybe I push Lana's buttons
on purpose...
287
00:13:55,476 --> 00:13:57,524
...and just generally make her life hell...
288
00:13:57,686 --> 00:14:01,236
...which maybe I do, possibly,
if I'm being completely honest...
289
00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:04,117
...because I still have
some pretty strong--
290
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:05,698
Oh, goddamn, dude.
291
00:14:05,861 --> 00:14:10,992
Okay, we'll go back for her.
But not because you said so.
292
00:14:14,078 --> 00:14:17,833
LANA: Because you let him.
Because you let him push your buttons.
293
00:14:17,998 --> 00:14:23,255
That's why you stormed off with no GPS,
gun, phone, or life-saving water.
294
00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:26,970
And that's why you died in the desert.
295
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:28,975
Holy shit, I'm gonna die in the desert.
296
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,135
[GASPS]
297
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:32,475
Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said.
298
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:37,105
How would I ever die in a dessert?
299
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:39,019
Well... Pretty close.
300
00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:42,235
And you're not gonna die out here
because any minute now--
301
00:14:42,397 --> 00:14:44,115
Ha, ha! Ha!
302
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:48,996
--Archer's gonna come crawling back to you,
tail between his legs from...
303
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:52,158
From the wrong direction. Oh, shit.
304
00:14:52,783 --> 00:14:54,205
Oh, shit.
305
00:14:55,577 --> 00:14:59,332
Wait, wait, wait. Shut up. What?
What are you talking about?
306
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:02,342
Oh, God, I don't know.
Maybe a gigantic chocolate mousse or--
307
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,095
I said "desert."
Oh.
308
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:06,801
Still pretty close.
309
00:15:06,964 --> 00:15:10,138
Will you put Mother on the damn phone?
What's the magic word?
310
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,394
Oh, for the-- Please.
311
00:15:12,553 --> 00:15:14,021
No, they changed it.
312
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,477
Cheryl, you stupid ****...
313
00:15:19,893 --> 00:15:21,736
Hm. Lucky guess.
314
00:15:21,895 --> 00:15:23,238
PAM:
Plus, I'm a quick learner.
315
00:15:23,397 --> 00:15:26,241
Plus, I'm an amazing driver.
Plus, I almost never get sick.
316
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,654
Plus, I already bought three pantsuits.
I'll think about it.
317
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:31,447
That a real you'll think about it'?
318
00:15:31,613 --> 00:15:34,617
Or a "Pam, if your pig, Leon,
wins a ribbon at the county fair...
319
00:15:34,783 --> 00:15:37,161
...we won't kill and eat him
for Easter dinner...
320
00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:40,922
...and render what's left into soap,"
you'll think about it?
321
00:15:41,081 --> 00:15:43,209
It's--
Because I never really got over that.
322
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,878
It's a real one.
Yay!
323
00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:49,844
But thank you for that glimpse
into your bleak, farmy childhood.
324
00:15:50,007 --> 00:15:54,012
It was actually pretty awesome.
And, if I'm being honest, so was Leon.
325
00:15:54,178 --> 00:15:55,771
Get out. What?
326
00:15:55,929 --> 00:15:57,772
ARCHER". Mother? it's Sterling. Listen.
Oh, no.
327
00:15:57,931 --> 00:15:59,057
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
328
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:01,226
Heh. I guess I had that coming.
329
00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:03,111
[LINE RINGING]
330
00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:05,272
MALORY:
You must really think I'm an idiot.
331
00:16:05,439 --> 00:16:08,113
Your words, Mother,
but my voice-mail doesn't call you.
332
00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:09,322
Oh, right.
333
00:16:09,484 --> 00:16:12,283
What's going on? Did you get Kazak?
Are you on the boat yet?
334
00:16:12,446 --> 00:16:16,622
Okay, in order, I'll get to that.
Yes, no, and it's not a boat, it's a--
335
00:16:16,783 --> 00:16:19,502
The hovercraft. Whatever.
Why aren't you people on it?
336
00:16:19,661 --> 00:16:21,789
Well, for starters,
some of us aren't people.
337
00:16:21,955 --> 00:16:23,081
[KAZAK BARKING]
338
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:25,922
But they think they are.
Yes, they do. Yes, they do.
339
00:16:26,084 --> 00:16:28,633
Sterling!
Oh. So, anyway, Lana quit and--
340
00:16:28,795 --> 00:16:30,889
She--? What'd you do this time?
341
00:16:31,048 --> 00:16:33,517
ARCHER: Nothing. She quit because
you made us fly to Morocco.
342
00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:36,804
Coach, by the way--
And don't even get me started on that.
343
00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:38,773
--For a dog. You know
how insulting that is?
344
00:16:38,786 --> 00:16:40,600
A stupid dog?
345
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,939
Wha--? Is this about the carriage ride?
346
00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:45,354
I mean, Pd be lying
if I said it wasn't a factor.
347
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,775
Let me tell you something about
that so-called stupid dog, Mr. Man.
348
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:55,160
Are you--? That's all we were after?
Well, you could have told us, Mother.
349
00:16:55,322 --> 00:16:58,997
Oh, and you could have told me
you just took her to the stupid vet.
350
00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:04,040
Who just had a lovely birthday
carriage ride through Central Park?
351
00:17:04,206 --> 00:17:07,085
Yes, she did. Yes, she did.
352
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:08,377
[MALORY GIBBERING]
353
00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:11,467
[ARCHER SIGHS THEN DOG GROWLS]
354
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:14,258
We're not gonna make it
to the backup extraction point...
355
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:18,019
...so get a fix on my signal and reroute
the chopper to those coordinates.
356
00:17:18,178 --> 00:17:21,182
Okay, rerouting now. ETA, 10 minutes.
357
00:17:21,348 --> 00:17:25,103
Whenever. We'll be here.
One way or the other.
358
00:17:25,269 --> 00:17:26,862
So, hey, how you doing on the kofta?
359
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,488
[VOMITS]
360
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:31,947
Yeah, good, get it all out now
because this next part's gonna suck.
361
00:17:32,109 --> 00:17:34,612
[MAN 1 SHOUTS IN ARABIC]
362
00:17:34,778 --> 00:17:36,121
LANA:
Archer!
363
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,123
[MEN SHOUTING IN ARABIC]
364
00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:42,418
[KAZAK WHINES]
365
00:17:42,577 --> 00:17:46,548
See? That's why I said scrooch down.
Lana, Lana, scrooch down!
366
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,542
No, no, no. Archer, don't.
367
00:17:48,709 --> 00:17:50,211
[MAN 2 SHOUTS IN ARABIC]
368
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,721
Are you out of your mind?
369
00:17:52,879 --> 00:17:55,553
No. Although I am out of ammo.
370
00:17:55,716 --> 00:17:59,641
Okay, buddy, so here's the deal.
A, scrooch down.
371
00:17:59,803 --> 00:18:02,477
And B, normally in this situation
I do a pit maneuver.
372
00:18:02,639 --> 00:18:05,313
If I do, the truck will flip,
and if Lana doesn't die...
373
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,898
...she's a quadriplegic,
I marry her out of guilt...
374
00:18:08,061 --> 00:18:11,656
...but after a few years of feeding tubes
and colostomy bags, I resent her...
375
00:18:11,815 --> 00:18:13,692
...and the night nurse is, like,
Brazilian and 20.
376
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,031
[KAZAK GROWLS]
377
00:18:15,193 --> 00:18:16,866
Don't judge me. I have needs, man.
378
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,498
The point is, and it might be
a kind of shitty plan...
379
00:18:19,656 --> 00:18:22,876
...but I'm gonna jump on the truck.
So I need you to take the--
380
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,333
--wheel, exactly. 80... Kazak?
381
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:28,339
[KAZAK GROWLING
AND MEN SCREAMING]
382
00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:31,753
Oh, look. Lana, look.
He thinks he's vampires.
383
00:18:31,918 --> 00:18:34,171
[MEN SCREAMING]
384
00:18:34,338 --> 00:18:35,430
ARCHER:
Lana, look out!
385
00:18:35,589 --> 00:18:36,590
[KAZAK WHIMPERS]
386
00:18:36,757 --> 00:18:38,259
Kazak!
387
00:18:38,425 --> 00:18:39,597
[ARCHER GRUNTING]
388
00:18:41,094 --> 00:18:42,721
[MAN s SCREAMS]
389
00:18:48,852 --> 00:18:50,479
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]
390
00:18:54,232 --> 00:18:57,486
No. Guy's probably got nine wives
and a jillion kids and--
391
00:18:57,652 --> 00:19:00,371
Holy shit, that's racist, Archer.
What is wrong with you?
392
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:02,032
LANA: Seriously.
Lana.
393
00:19:02,282 --> 00:19:05,627
Archer, thank--
God, is he hit? Tell me he's not hit.
394
00:19:05,786 --> 00:19:07,709
He's fine.
395
00:19:07,871 --> 00:19:12,217
As am I, Not that you give a--
Shh! Lana, don't ruin the moment.
396
00:19:12,376 --> 00:19:13,468
What moment? What are you--?
397
00:19:13,627 --> 00:19:14,674
[GASPS]
398
00:19:14,836 --> 00:19:17,931
Uh, what are you doing? What is that?
Microfilm.
399
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:21,970
It was on his collar the whole time.
Something about nukes in Pakistan.
400
00:19:22,135 --> 00:19:24,638
Or one of the -akistans.
I forget which one.
401
00:19:24,805 --> 00:19:26,773
Ow!
402
00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:30,106
My point is, ow, sometimes we do good work.
403
00:19:30,268 --> 00:19:32,566
So promise me you'll never quit again.
404
00:19:32,729 --> 00:19:33,730
[SIGHS]
405
00:19:33,897 --> 00:19:37,492
Only if you promise you'll quit being
such a colossal asshole.
406
00:19:37,651 --> 00:19:39,073
Hmm.
407
00:19:39,236 --> 00:19:44,742
Heh. I can't. You know...
[BARKING]
408
00:19:47,828 --> 00:19:49,250
What?
409
00:19:49,413 --> 00:19:51,165
[KAZAK FARTS]
410
00:19:51,331 --> 00:19:53,584
[ARCHER CHUCKLES]
411
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:58,184
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